I have 43 days to think it over

ngayon lang ulit ako magpopost... and i don't even know if the situation i am in is a good thing or not...

i have this friend. one special friend who used to be someone i am head-over-heels in love with. things didn't work out as i had initially hoped for but what happened was better. we became good friends and i've always been thankful for this wonderful turn-out.

he is special because he's one of the few people whom i trust so much. special dahil hindi lang siya isang kaibigan---siya ay isang mentor, adviser, companion. special dahil maraming mga bagay ang sa kanya ko lang nasasabi. there are things that not even my closest friends know--- but he knows. he listens and if needed, he gives me the most unexpected pieces of advice, na madalas ay sinusunod ko. i must admit, he contributes so much to my life. sabi nga niya, "spice" siya sa buhay ko.

did i mention that we talk a lot? super. i can talk to him for hours and still want more. masarap kasi siyang kausap, masaya, sensible, interesting, at nakakaengross. we can talk of literally anything and everything under the sun. andami na nga naming napag-usapan but still, when we talk, parang hindi kami nauubusan ng pag-uusapan. we can talk of even the most "off" topics---topics you wouldn't normally talk about with other people especially guys.

hay... itutuloy ko pa ba?

then it happened. we hit a certain topic which started as a joke and later turned into a regular center of our every conversation. so it was a joke... or so i thought. until one day, the stupid part of me made myself ask him: are you serious?

i certainly wished he'd answer "anu ka ba... siyempre hindi." but no, he didn't. he said "yes" and i hate to use the cliche "butterflies in my stomach" but that's what i felt i had then---butterflies in my stomach. no, not just in my stomach. i had them in every part of me.

maybe i'm to blame, for i started it. but i don't take all the credit. he is, after all, the one who first took it seriously.

i wished he didn't ask me what i thought about it but yes, he did. and there. i cannot be more confused or rattled. i was left to choose between taking a risk that might ruin our beautiful and one-of-a-kind friendship and not taking it, but giving myself a million what-if's. i know i'll forever wonder what it would have been like if i took the risk. but then again, there were a lot of other considerations.

confused talaga ako. my friends would kill me once they find out that i do want to say yes. they'd kill me... because i would commit a social boo-boo and a lot of other rules. still, i'm not entirely sure if i can bring myself to saying yes because well, there's a lot to think about.

i am given 43 days (42 days as of posting) to think about it, and think hard. no pressure from him. pressure from myself.

HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS

I had been living in a dorm now for about a week. So far I’ve been doing okay, and really, it’s never been this convenient for me.

The whole “independent” thingy is not really what it’s all about. This is about convenience. I decided to stay in the university dormitory because I was already tired of the distance between home and school. Not because I wanted to be independent or I wanted to live on my own. I am in my third year of college now and people my age should definitely have that sense of independence. It’s an automatic thing, I think.

The dorm is nice… in its own right. It’s clean, well-ventilated, and noise-free. The only setback I can think of right now was the boredom. There’s a TV in the lobby but really, I’m not gonna sit there for an entire day just to overcome boredom (and I never really find TV as a boredom buster). There’s a radio in our room (which is actually prohibited), a wonderful part of our room that seems to be glued on the station “Mellow Touch”. Listening to music is fine but I’m not gonna listen and just stare at something for the whole day, right? Then there are those magazines from my classmate and roommate which I read over and over again when the dullness hits in, which I think happens quite often. And because there’s nothing to do most of the time, the big option (and the only one at that) is the bed that seems to say, “I’m here, your loyal friend…” I think I’d go fat if I don’t find an alternative to sleeping soon.

During my first days on the dorm, not only was I bored. I was also very homesick. No wonder. The longest time I had been away from home was three to four days but now I had to be far from my family for a week just to be near school. Besides that, I can also say that before I had come to the decision, I had become very close to every member of the family, especially my sisters. My nights used to be filled with “kilitian, kulitan, tawanan” sessions and for four nights I wondered, could they be doing that without me? *Sniff*

I missed my mother’s cooking terribly. I have always considered her as the best cook in the whole galaxy (Zaido theme playing…) and during my stay in the dorm, I was juggling canned goods, instant pancit canton, and “lutong ulam” from the neighborhood. I began to crave for my mom’s sense of good taste and inventiveness. *Sigh…*
Home is where I watch my favorite shows like Grey’s Anatomy and Kyle XY. But since there’s a lot of competition for the remote control, the mentioned shows just stay in my dreams.

I missed every part of home though I never cried. But on my last day for the week (Friday morning), I received this text message from my sister which said, “…Miss ka na rin naming, lalo na si Jenna. Lagi kang hinahanap…” Jenna, my favorite (and everyone else’s favorite) two year-old niece had been looking for me. At that time, I considered crying. I would have flown home if I could but instead I impatiently waited for all my classes to be over. I can remember running towards our house just to get home ASAP. Whew!

This was probably the first time in my life that I’ve felt this homesick. I even brought some “pasalubong”. More than excited, I was desperate to go home. And when I saw that little child running towards me and shouting “Tita Joy!!!” I knew then that home, really, is where the heart is…
- November 17, 2007

SIOMAI

I so love siomai.

Last Friday night, as I walked my way to the tricycle terminal I thought, “Hey, when was the last time you’ve bought siomai here?” That was like ages ago. I’ve eaten siomai with my friend just last week but it’s been, I think, eight months since I last bought from my favorite vendor.
And then I saw him, the forty-something man who happened to be the only siomai vendor in that place. He wasn’t looking so I had the chance to practice my best smile. When he saw me he was obviously surprised. But he smiled.

I don’t even know his name. And yet I consider him to be a part of my college life. More than two years ago, when I was still a freshman and my father was still working, we used to go home together. We’ usually meet near the siomai stand because Papa also liked the food and he used to buy siomai worth a hundred pesos during his paydays. And the lucky vendor gets to have a small chat with either my father or me, depending on who comes first. But due to changes in my schedule and my father’s leaving work, our meetings became occasional. Anyway his siomai is the best. I couldn’t even describe it. I guess it would be too much to say that when you begin to eat it, “parang bumukas ang langit, at nagsikantahan ang mga anghel” but I can say it’s the best siomai I’ve ever tasted. I’ve tasted others but this one, it just gives me a completely different feeling. I don’t know, maybe the fact that the vendor had become a family friend also made his siomai more delicious.

I used to buy only two pieces for five pesos. He said, “Tulad ng dati?” I answered, “Hindi, Kuya. Apat po ngayon.” Another surprise. Well, if I had the money I would have bought more.

We had a small talk and he was shocked when I mentioned that my father had a stroke. He also said that “humina ang kita”. I think I know why. Not because of another siomai vendor (I told you, he’s the only one there) but because of those calamares vendors. They’ve invaded the place. But I never liked the squid wrapped in flour. No offense to calamares lovers and vendors but really, I don’t taste anything other than the flour. It was no match to the siomai I love.

As I sat inside the tricycle I could see the siomai stand and I couldn’t help but wonder about the life of this man. All I know is that he’s doing this because he needs to, because he has a family to cater to. And I think he’s doing well. Someday, soon I hope, I’d buy more from him.
- November 9, 2007

Q & A

Recently I had the chance to play my favorite game with my favorite person of all time (yihee..!). It’s called “Q & A” which obviously stands for Question and Answer. The game is pretty simple; I’ll ask a question and he’ll answer, he’ll ask a question and I’ll answer. The question could be of any subject and there is no right or wrong answer. For the next first three hours of All Souls’ Day (yeah, from 12 midnight to 3am of November 2), I was asking and answering the strangest, out-of-this-world questions. Let me share some of what I can recall…

My Question (MQ): If you would die today and I’m the only person with you, what would be your last words?

His Answer (HA): Tell my mother I’m sorry for making her worry most of the time. Wherever I am, here or in the next life, I’ll remain to be her humble son.
(I was hoping he’d leave a message for me but he went beyond my expectations. I think his answer was better.)

His Question (HQ): If you had only Php1.00 load, you would text who…and why?

My Answer (MA): Hi, girl. Musta ka na? Miss na miss na kita. Tagal na nating di nakakapagkuwentuhan. Kelangan bumawi ka sa pasukan. – I’ll text Joyce.
(The truth was, if ever I had only Php1.00 load that night and it would be expiring by the end of the day, he’s the one I’m going to text. Only I wouldn’t let him know that.)

MQ: Given a chance to change your first name, what name would you want?

HA: Winry.
(I forgot his exact explanation but yep, the name was from a computer game.)

HQ: You, what name would you give me?

MA: Wade. Ü

HQ: Why?

MA: If I’m not mistaken Jason Wade is the name of Lifehouse’s vocalist. And Jason is so common.

HQ: If you were a cell phone, what unit would you be and why?

MA: 32 10, coz it’s super tough.

MQ: And you?

HA: 11 10i. Simple but has a lot of useful features.

MQ: What do you think was the most memorable and most special thing I did for you?

HA: You went to see me and talk to me even if it meant the train would be leaving you.

Me: Haha… I let two trips passed by and I had to catch the last trip instead. Memorable indeed.
(And if you ask me, it was really memorable because we also had ice cream then.)

MQ: If you would ask me something right now, what would it be?
(Couldn’t think of anything…)

HA (& HQ): The biggest mistake I ever made was when… Complete the sentence.

MA: When I fell in love with a friend. Biggest mistake, biggest regret.

HA: When I let go of the love of my life to the man I thought loved her. I never slept the same every night.
(No comment…)

MQ: You would go to another planet and you’re allowed to bring only three things with you. What would you bring?

HA: An mp3 player, laptop, and a bag full of foods.
(Tsk, tsk…)

Me: May food talaga…

Him: Justified naman eh…

HQ: If you were to be invisible for 24 hours, where would you go and what would you do?

MA: Batangas. I’ll look for someone and when I find him, I’ll just stay beside him for as long as I’m invisible.
(Oh, how I wish…)

MQ: What would make you smile right now?

HA: A whole box of chocolates.

Me: Mukha ka talagang pagkain…

HQ: What would make you smile?

MA: A text from the person I really miss would make me smile.

HQ: Your last words before you die would be…

MA: Excited na ‘ko. Baka hindi boring dun sa pupuntahan ko. Gusto mong sumama? The more, the merrier. Haha…

MQ: How would you want to die?

HA: Gunshot. I will die beside the person I love and tell her all the things I can’t say.

Me: Soap opera.

Him: Nope. Movie. Cool, ‘di ba?

Me: What’s cool with that? It’s violent. You can just die because you got tired of breathing.

Him: I don’t wanna die without doing anything. People won’t talk about me at my wake.

Me: You’ll be talked about. They’d be amazed and say, “Puwede palang katamaran ang paghinga!”

Him: Haha… I guess so.

HQ: What song would you want to be played 24/7 after you die (sa burol at libing)?

MA: How to Save a Life. Nice, ‘di ba?

Him: Save a life? Eh dead ka na nga. Ironic…

Me: That’s it. They might even try to wake me from the dead. Haha…

MQ: If one of us dies tomorrow, how do you think would the other react?
(Our answers to this question were totally crazy, and I don’t think I can restate those.)


I might have forgotten a few questions but I think I had recalled most of them. It was one hell of a night, no, morning. We were in line with the spirit of All Souls’ Day and we actually didn’t realize this until the last question.
If you’re looking for fun and want to learn about someone at the same time, here’s the game for you. Just find that someone you’d want to play the game with and be armed with the wittiest and most bizarre questions. You’re sure to have a fun in no time. Enjoy! Ü

P.S.
If you really want the best out of the experience, answer in all HONESTY.
- November 2, 2007

REBOUND OR REPLAY?

“I am bored. Yes, I eat good food. Yes, I buy nice things. Yes, I go to beautiful places. But I am bored… and sad. ‘Cause at the end of the day, I know that I did the things I like ALONE. It’s not relaxation, it’s not time for me, it’s not even a choice — it’s all for one reason: I DON’T HAVE SOMEONE. And I’m bored. I’m just sooo bored…”


Written on March 20, 2007, those were words from my diary. I have chanced upon the notebook recently and as I schemed through the pages, my eye caught the highlighted words. There it was — my pathetic life-is-so-dull sentiment.

It’s been quite some time since I wrote that heart-rending passage and well, one would hope that as the days pass by, I’ll get to feel better. Sadly, the “I’m-bored-and-sad-help-me” days took a long time to cease.

It seemed clear that at the time I was bored and sad because I was alone. I had no one. Now, here’s one thing about me: I’m not exactly the type of girl who’s looking for a guy, more specifically a boyfriend. I’ve survived the longer part of my years here on our planet without a boyfriend so really, guys don’t pass as “necessities” in life. So why on earth did having no one become a reason for me to feel this way?

I guess it was my mistake (although I don’t take all the blame). You see, I fell in love. I fell in love with a good and (used-to-be) close friend of mine. We all now the reality that oftentimes, falling for a friend is something humanity should avoid. And if this isn’t bad enough, that friend of mine also happened to be the most impossibly “torpe” guy that was ever born. Whew!
After spending countless long nights of nonstop texting and talking over the phone, what I feared most, and believe me when I say I tried to avoid it, happened. I was slowly falling for him and well, I thought he was falling for me, too. I knew too well that he’s the HARI NG MGA TORPE so my mission then was to force the words out of his mouth as soon as possible. And I did. He finally told me his real feelings for me. So I also told him what I felt.

I wish I can say that we went on to the next level after all the confessions but no, we did not. He had his reasons which I thought I understood at the time but the way I see it now, I know that he just didn’t love me enough to make the next move. Anyway, we tried to keep our friendship and move on with our lives. But that seemed too far from reality.

Initially it was really hard. We both knew we’re not okay. I was horrendously heartbroken that I just stopped talking to him and he did the same. It remained that way for a couple of months. There came the excessive feeling of boredom and sadness. I saw it as an extremely hurtful change, him suddenly leaving me after more than four years of being friends. Those times we shared were mostly good, happy times so when he left it’s like he took all the happiness away.
I tried to move on and find happiness in other people and things. I spent my Friday afternoons walking around malls, eating my favorite foods, and buying feel-good things. But it made no sense at all when I knew I was missing someone. *Sniff*

However, I knew there’d come a time when I’d be healed. And I was. The good thing was, we became friends again. No, we couldn’t bring back the same old friendship; we did not even attempt to do so. But we did become good friends again and I couldn’t wish for more.

The story doesn’t end there. Not yet. Another couple of months passed and another guy came. He was the most interesting person I’ve ever known, probably the most unique in every way possible. Needless to say, he caught my heart. The question of whether I caught his is another matter. Ha-ha… I think I did. But just the same, it didn’t matter that much. We’re simply not meant for each other and even if we were, it wasn’t the right time.

There was that intense boredom and sadness again which, I realized, never really left me. I think it just hid its self behind the immense happiness I got from this seemingly-good love story and the other good things in my life. But from time to time it displays its self in front of me. And when I realized that this guy would be another used-to-be, it hit me — I would be alone again and well, bored and sad.

This time the pain was greater and the sadness was beyond measure. Looking back, I’m not even sure how I made it through the storm. I’m just thankful that I did and that I’m not that lonely now.

To sum it all, the “I’m-bored-and-sad-help-me” days went on for eight months, more or less. Long time? Uh-huh. Just imagine the burdensome pretension I did in hopes of hiding my not-so-good emotional status.

The one thing I learned was that it is never ever right to find happiness in just one thing or person. The danger comes out when that thing or person leaves and what are you now? Learn to appreciate life and see other reasons for gratitude. Be happy when possible and be sad when it’s really time to be sad. But don’t wallow in boredom and sadness for so long because, take it from me, it never feels good.

Some would say that it was a rebound. I wouldn’t say so. Not ever. For one thing, the gap was a fairly acceptable time. For another, I was certainly over the first guy when the second guy came.

Calling it a replay doesn’t sound so good either because it will mean that the same thing happened and I didn’t learn my lesson from the first heartache. First of all, those were two different things, two different circumstances. They even gave me different kinds and amount of pain. And I did (oh yes, I did) learn from the first time. Maybe I just didn’t learn enough to make myself stop from falling in love. I don’t know, I might fall and get hurt again someday though I’m hoping not, but it doesn’t really mean I’m stubborn, does it? So no, it’s neither a rebound nor a replay. It’s just what life can be at times. Ü
- October 30, 2007

THE ESSENCE OF RIGHT TIMING

For everything there is a reason; there is a season under the sun.

This was a quotation that was once discussed in one of my classes back in high school. I knew what it meant at the time but it was only recently when I experienced what it was all about.

Almost six months ago, a friend of mine told me that she had a friend who was then desperate to have a text-mate. I was the first person to pop in her mind, maybe because she thought I was still a text-addict. But I was, at the time, not really into texting. Yet for some unknown reason, I accepted the request. In an instant I had a text-mate.

He’s (sorry but I prefer not to name him) the strangest text-mate I ever had, probably the strangest person I’ll ever know. Unique is what he calls himself, and he is indeed. He’s intelligent, the logical type, and he’s not boring. He’s funny, too. That sense of humor he’s got really drives me nuts. But unlike the other text-mates I’ve had, he has a gene defect which made him different from the rest of us. His right hand and left leg hadn’t developed normally. But never, never did it become an issue for me. I think it made him better because in spite of his situation, he was a good person and he could do a lot of things that others cannot. For one thing, he is a journalist, the News Editor of our university paper. And as a person who loves writing, I had come to appreciate him and really look up to him.

We study in the same university, even the same college. We’ve seen each other many times and almost bumped into each other. But it was only after two months when we finally met face-to-face and talked in person. And when we did, we both had a great time. The fun we shared when we were text-mates ultimately came out when we got to spend time together.

During the times we’ve been text-mates and the few times we were together, I knew there was something special between us. A lot of my friends and classmates even thought that we were already a couple. How I wish we were but for some reasons again, that didn’t happen. Eventually, we saw and heard less of each other. We slowly drifted apart.

It was sad, so sad that I considered the past months a personal downfall of mine. Needless to say, I had come to love this extraordinary guy (and I’m pretty sure he’s got an idea about it even if I never told him) and I was heartbroken when he became super busy to even say hi to me.

I tried to live my life though I chose to keep on loving him. I had deliberately formed a silent commitment to him and it was so hard to have to show to others that I was okay — because I wasn’t.

Just when I thought he’d no longer be back, he texted. Then he texted again. And again. He even greeted me on my birthday when I thought he won’t remember.
To make a long story short, I was in high spirits again. Not because we became a couple. By the way, we didn’t. We’re friends now, good friends. I have found joy in the several times when we’ve talked and uncovered the reasons behind our “drifting apart”.

We both agreed about the timing being wrong. I guess there are still so many things that needed our attention and time, and until we are not done with these things, we couldn’t think about the two of us. It just wasn’t the right time for us. Timing is everything, he used to say. It can make or break a moment.

Everything happens for a reason. Maybe we became text-mates to be friends afterwards. Maybe he came into my life to make me discover more about myself and value myself more. Maybe there was pain to make me stronger. Maybe it was all for our betterment.
And there is always time for everything, a season under the sun. I know someday we’ll cross paths again, and who knows? Well, I’m glad to be friends with him but it doesn’t hurt to wish that Barry Manilow’s “Somewhere down the Road” is the song for the two of us. Ü

- October 28, 2007