REBOUND OR REPLAY?

“I am bored. Yes, I eat good food. Yes, I buy nice things. Yes, I go to beautiful places. But I am bored… and sad. ‘Cause at the end of the day, I know that I did the things I like ALONE. It’s not relaxation, it’s not time for me, it’s not even a choice — it’s all for one reason: I DON’T HAVE SOMEONE. And I’m bored. I’m just sooo bored…”


Written on March 20, 2007, those were words from my diary. I have chanced upon the notebook recently and as I schemed through the pages, my eye caught the highlighted words. There it was — my pathetic life-is-so-dull sentiment.

It’s been quite some time since I wrote that heart-rending passage and well, one would hope that as the days pass by, I’ll get to feel better. Sadly, the “I’m-bored-and-sad-help-me” days took a long time to cease.

It seemed clear that at the time I was bored and sad because I was alone. I had no one. Now, here’s one thing about me: I’m not exactly the type of girl who’s looking for a guy, more specifically a boyfriend. I’ve survived the longer part of my years here on our planet without a boyfriend so really, guys don’t pass as “necessities” in life. So why on earth did having no one become a reason for me to feel this way?

I guess it was my mistake (although I don’t take all the blame). You see, I fell in love. I fell in love with a good and (used-to-be) close friend of mine. We all now the reality that oftentimes, falling for a friend is something humanity should avoid. And if this isn’t bad enough, that friend of mine also happened to be the most impossibly “torpe” guy that was ever born. Whew!
After spending countless long nights of nonstop texting and talking over the phone, what I feared most, and believe me when I say I tried to avoid it, happened. I was slowly falling for him and well, I thought he was falling for me, too. I knew too well that he’s the HARI NG MGA TORPE so my mission then was to force the words out of his mouth as soon as possible. And I did. He finally told me his real feelings for me. So I also told him what I felt.

I wish I can say that we went on to the next level after all the confessions but no, we did not. He had his reasons which I thought I understood at the time but the way I see it now, I know that he just didn’t love me enough to make the next move. Anyway, we tried to keep our friendship and move on with our lives. But that seemed too far from reality.

Initially it was really hard. We both knew we’re not okay. I was horrendously heartbroken that I just stopped talking to him and he did the same. It remained that way for a couple of months. There came the excessive feeling of boredom and sadness. I saw it as an extremely hurtful change, him suddenly leaving me after more than four years of being friends. Those times we shared were mostly good, happy times so when he left it’s like he took all the happiness away.
I tried to move on and find happiness in other people and things. I spent my Friday afternoons walking around malls, eating my favorite foods, and buying feel-good things. But it made no sense at all when I knew I was missing someone. *Sniff*

However, I knew there’d come a time when I’d be healed. And I was. The good thing was, we became friends again. No, we couldn’t bring back the same old friendship; we did not even attempt to do so. But we did become good friends again and I couldn’t wish for more.

The story doesn’t end there. Not yet. Another couple of months passed and another guy came. He was the most interesting person I’ve ever known, probably the most unique in every way possible. Needless to say, he caught my heart. The question of whether I caught his is another matter. Ha-ha… I think I did. But just the same, it didn’t matter that much. We’re simply not meant for each other and even if we were, it wasn’t the right time.

There was that intense boredom and sadness again which, I realized, never really left me. I think it just hid its self behind the immense happiness I got from this seemingly-good love story and the other good things in my life. But from time to time it displays its self in front of me. And when I realized that this guy would be another used-to-be, it hit me — I would be alone again and well, bored and sad.

This time the pain was greater and the sadness was beyond measure. Looking back, I’m not even sure how I made it through the storm. I’m just thankful that I did and that I’m not that lonely now.

To sum it all, the “I’m-bored-and-sad-help-me” days went on for eight months, more or less. Long time? Uh-huh. Just imagine the burdensome pretension I did in hopes of hiding my not-so-good emotional status.

The one thing I learned was that it is never ever right to find happiness in just one thing or person. The danger comes out when that thing or person leaves and what are you now? Learn to appreciate life and see other reasons for gratitude. Be happy when possible and be sad when it’s really time to be sad. But don’t wallow in boredom and sadness for so long because, take it from me, it never feels good.

Some would say that it was a rebound. I wouldn’t say so. Not ever. For one thing, the gap was a fairly acceptable time. For another, I was certainly over the first guy when the second guy came.

Calling it a replay doesn’t sound so good either because it will mean that the same thing happened and I didn’t learn my lesson from the first heartache. First of all, those were two different things, two different circumstances. They even gave me different kinds and amount of pain. And I did (oh yes, I did) learn from the first time. Maybe I just didn’t learn enough to make myself stop from falling in love. I don’t know, I might fall and get hurt again someday though I’m hoping not, but it doesn’t really mean I’m stubborn, does it? So no, it’s neither a rebound nor a replay. It’s just what life can be at times. Ü
- October 30, 2007